I Want to Trust You
by CSIHuntermom
Summary: Catherine and Jim Brass's friendship is put on the line when she makes a decision. One that could put members of her team in jeopardy. And what about the detective she has fallen in love with? How will her decision effect everything around her? Spoilers!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I wrote this based on the latest TV Guide Spoilers for the finale. I wanted to have Vartann involved as more than just Catherine's new lover. This is what I came up with.

I'll post more shortly after the finale.

**Warning: Spoilers for Dr. Who **

I Want to Trust You

Catherine flicked her eyes open. She blinked a few more times trying to focus on where she was.

The room was white almost sterile with little or no color anywhere. A wood chest of drawers sat next up against the far wall. A small table against the window held a few random pictures. And a pile of clothes; sweats and a t-shirt sat next to the closet along with a pair of running shoes. Catherine smiled as she took in her surroundings. She was at _his _place in _his _bed. Somewhere where she wanted to be.

The past 40 hours were a blur to her. All she wanted to do was escape into his arms and not think about Ray, Nicky or Dr. Jekyll. All she wanted to do was listen his breathing as he lay next to her.

The space next to her in the bed was empty. Catherine climbed out of the queen sized bed with the green blanket. Very much a bachelor's pad. _He could do with a few female touches _she always though every time she found herself in his bed. Something she could remedy soon though.

Catherine pulled on one of his (hopefully) clean shirts, pulled on her yoga pants that she had _conveniently_ left the last time Catherine was in Lou Vartann's place.

She followed her nose to the smell of fresh brewing coffee. She spied him in the kitchen doing of all things, cooking. Her heart almost skipped a beat at the sight of the incredibly handsome man cooking.

Her arms wrapped around him from the back. She laid her head into his strong solid back hoping she wasn't disturbing whatever was filling his kitchen with such good smells.

"Morning," he muttered stroking his fingers along her arms. He twisted around to look the redhead woman in the eye.

"Morning," she smiled back looking directly into his steely blue/gray eyes.

She met his lips with a small kiss.

There was so much she wanted to tell him. So much she wanted to say about the case, about Ray, about Brass and about putting it all on the line or eventually giving it all up.

And afterward, she would want him to hold her. Much like he did last night and the night she cried in his arms after Lindsey had moved out and into her dorm for the summer before starting classes at WLVU.

Instead, Catherine held it in. She knew Lou wasn't as naïve as he sometimes seemed to be. She knew he was one of the most upstanding and even keeled cops she had ever run across. Perhaps that's why she fell for him, because he's so mellow, calm, cool and charming. Or perhaps it's because he's so even and fair?

Whatever the reason, she felt she couldn't tell him…. Not yet. Not enough time had passed for her to let him in on what she had done.

Instead she smiled and asked, "So, what's for breakfast?" It didn't matter that it was 2:45 in the afternoon. The sun was streaming through the small window off his kitchen. The light weight white sheer curtains provided enough of a barrier from soon to be hot Vegas sun.

"Pancakes," he answered.

A small twinge of disappointment momentarily came to her. As much as she liked pancakes she was hoping for something different.

"Oh." Was all she could get out.

She watched a devilish grin come across his face as he turned back to the stove to finish preparing the meal.

Catherine sat down at his small kitchen table. _Another place that needs a woman's touch._ After pouring herself a cup of coffee. Something she felt quite comfortable doing.

Coming to his place always felt comfortable to her. Even the first time. Giving each other keys to each others places didn't faze her in the least. She felt secure and safe giving Lou her key and he vice-versa. They had created a very nice, safe, secure routine. A place where both the homicide detective and the CSI supervisor could escape the tragedy, bloodshed, and overall hatred of the outside world .

He told her he would always smile when he came home to find her purse hanging on the closet door handle, her briefcase on the coffee table and her shoes by the front door. And her either on his couch or in his bed. A sight that he has come home to on more than one occasion since their time on the drug stake out.

Their world was safe with each other. And when one or the other needed their privacy and space, not a word needed to be said. Another wonderful result of the life they begun to build together.

She took a few sips of her coffee clearing her head waiting hungrily for whatever he was going to serve her.

A plate appeared in front of her full of eggs mixed with lots of herbs.

"Pancakes huh?" She arched her brow as he sat next to her with an identical plate.

"Yep, just the way you like them," he smiled an incredible smile that almost made her heart melt.

She watched him almost in awe as he took the first bite. He locked his eyes on her as she sat looking at him.

"Something wrong?" He asked with some concern.

Catherine took her eyes off of him and slowly dug into her breakfast.

She ate a several bites very quickly but as ravenous as she was, she had to ask, she had to open up to him about her plans for the case.

"I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if we went away somewhere together? Just you and I?" She cursed herself for not asking _what she really wanted to. _

Oh, she'd love to get away with Lou. To see the Pacific Ocean again. To see the stars as they come out at night. To feel cold mountain air. Or just to sit on a beach somewhere and not think about anything but what to do with the rest of the day and what to have for dinner.

Lou looked up from his plate and gave Catherine a long stare. She felt sort of nervous, like she wasn't sure what he was going to say.

The moments went by way to slowly for her, she almost felt like walking out and ending _whatever it was between them _at that moment… instead she took another long sip of her coffee keeping her eyes on him.

He tilted his head after wiping his lips with the back of his hand. Catherine grew more nervous and looked into her cup as she took yet another sip.

"Catherine," he began. "I would love to get away with you. I hope you know that."

She let out the long breath she was holding in relief. But she sensed something else from him.

"But?" She asked as her brows arched again.

"But." He put down his fork. "I think there is more going on here than just us going away together."

His eyes locked intensely on her. She could feel herself squirm in the chair. She was even more nervous than moments ago when he didn't answer her.

"What do you mean?" She looked intently at her coffee cup.

"Catherine." His tone of voice sent chills up her spine.

She couldn't lie to him. Not anymore. Not like she ever was. But somehow not telling him would protect him and her she felt. But she was there and he was there and she didn't want trust to be an issue with them. He's a cop, he'd find out sooner or later.

"Have you ever gone above your boss? Risked your career to do something you aren't sure is the right thing?

Have you ever disobeyed direct orders?"

Her eyes slammed shut. Her cheeks flushed at the sound of her questions.

She pried one eye open and watched him as he sighed leaning back in his chair.

"I have something to tell you too." His voice low and steady. A far cry from what she was feeling.

"You first." She got out trying to conceal her emotions.

"Okay, but I'm not sure you are going to like this," he started.

"Shoot," she told him.

"I've been transferred." His words hung between them like stale, stagnant air.

Time stopped. Her heart sank. Catherine couldn't breath. Nothing moved. Her chest would not expand to let the oxygen in. She felt like the world was going to swallow her up.

All the planning, the long talks with herself about how to keep her decision about her team from him. How her stomach hurt ever time she thought about how she's putting everything on the line for Ray, to eventually catch a killer. How both her and Lou's careers and possibly both their lives could end because of it.

"You went over Brass's head and now I'm being transferred." His words were flat with no emotion. They filled the emptiness left between them.

_He does know._

The air around them went sour again.

"I should get going," Catherine redirected flatly.

Catherine quietly stood up from the table, walked right past Lou still sitting back in his chair. He didn't look at her, she didn't want him to. She couldn't bear seeing his face and the emotion or lack of that it would hold.

A simple "I'm sorry." could mean so much or so little. As a man she knew he could hold in his emotions. She thought she could too, but she couldn't around him. Not this time.

She didn't want to look at him as she muttered the words anyway hoping it would make up for what she did.

Her eyes closed as she leaned into his cheek placing a quick kiss before heading off to the bedroom.

"Catherine," he called. She stopped at the sound of her name.

"I care about you, probably more than you want to know right now, but I don't like this. I don't like what is going on here."

Their world stopped once more. No more words.

"I want to trust you, Catherine." she heard him mutter as she walked by. It sent shivers down her spine.

Her stomach finally settled once she reached her office. She was so clear and so direct with Ray about his actions. She even kept it together in front of Brass and Undersheriff Ecklie, which wasn't always easy.

But why was she so upset about Lou's transfer? It should have been a good thing. She should be thanking Brass or whomever made the decision to keep him out of what ever was going to shake down. But then, why was she so upset? She felt betrayed. And now almost remorseful. She was also betraying someone, and it made her feel even worse.

_Turn about is fair play, _she chided to herself.

Catherine placed her glasses on her head and began to mindless click the keys on her computer passing one email after another. Her mind wouldn't focus.

Too much at stake, too much to loose, too much to give up. And for what? The off chance that Nathan Haskell could possibly lead Ray to Dr. Jekyll? But it was too late; she had already made that decision, now she could possibly pay for it in more than one way.

After what seemed like an eternity in her office doing more mindless work, she heard a familiar voice in the hallway. One she didn't want to acknowledge but she knew she had to.

"Jim," she breathed effortlessly like she didn't have a care in the world.

The seasoned detective could see right through her. She didn't have to say anymore.

She flicked her eyes down in shame as he sat in the chair across from her desk.

"How ya doing Catherine?" He asked with genuine concern.

"I'm okay, I'm good. Why?"

"Well with everything that happened with Ray, I wanted to check in on you. To see how you are." Jim Brass's eyes squinted as he read Catherine like a book. A trait she wished her long time friend didn't possess.

"What's… what's going on Jim? I thought for sure you'd be with Ray chasing down leads on Dr. Jekyll. I know Archie still has the security cam footage from the casino." Catherine attempted to get to the point. She knew neither one of them could hold in the true reason why Jim Brass was in her office.

"You know for as long as I've known you, I never got the feeling I couldn't trust you," the detective started.

Catherine, the CSI Supervisor sat in silence, uncomfortable silence while she listened to her friend talk about the choice she made.

"But why did you go over my head? Why did you tell Ecklie that I was okay with having Haskell out of prison and back in Vegas? Why Catherine?"

Her world stopped again. She couldn't speak. All she heard was a ringing in her ears. Everything else was shut down. She couldn't think let alone talk.

Time passed slowly as the Police Captain sat patiently across from her watching her every move, knowing she could have made a very costly mistake, but also knowing her all to well that she wasn't that comfortable about it either. She knew it, he knew it.

Catherine did the first thing that came to mind, the first thought that filled her head was the first sentence she gave back to the questions he was asking.

"Why did Lou Vartann get transferred?" Another question she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer to.

Jim Brass's eyes widened. He didn't expect her to ask that question, but she did.

"Look, whatever you and Lou have going on, hey, I think it's great. I mean, yea, it's about time the two of you got together. Gosh, I can't think of how many times I've caught him look at you…"

"That's not the point Jim," she flung to him.

His hands went up in defense. "Because it's a conflict of interest."

"How? How is it a conflict of interest? Because he reports to you? Or because you don't want him near me?" She couldn't control the hurt and anger coming out in her voice.

"Hey," Brass smiled, "like I said, I really think it's great that the two of you hooked up. I mean who do you think put you two in that hotel room together?"

"But that's not the issue here is it now Catherine? Plus it's out of my hands. If Vartann wants to transfer back here, he's more than welcome." He was suddenly very serious.

"Then what is it Jim? Why is it so important that he no longer report to you?"

She waited. She watched her friend and colleague of many years tell her something was out of his hands.

"Again Catherine, it's a conflict of interest and that's all I'm going to say on the matter."

What seemed like a very long silence between them was broken when the detective asked,

"So, tell me Catherine, when were you going to tell me about Haskell's transfer? Did you think I wouldn't find out? Don't you think I would have known if I had given permission to Ecklie about it? I was just talking to him before I came here."

Her jaw dropped. She had to take a minute to compose herself. She took in a deep breath, "Because I had to."

"I don't buy it," Jim Brass quickly retorted.

"It's the only way we can catch Jekyll. We have run out of leads and frankly I had no other choice." Catherine finally let it out. She felt sort of relieved at the moment.

Like a weight had been lifted off her chest.

"I'm telling you Catherine, I have a feeling about this, its not going to end well."

"No offense Jim, but right now, I don't care about that. I care about catching Jekyll."

"Uh, Catherine, I don't think that's all you care about. Otherwise you wouldn't have made such a big deal over Lou's transfer."

"I think you and I both know it's not going to end well, that's why you are so concerned about him. Well that and … you know."

"Listen Jim," she struggled to conceal her annoyance and frustration at the conversation, "I really don't have time for this. Haskell is on his way here and I want to be prepared like I assume you want your guys to be. So unless you want to chew my ass out for something else, I think we have some work to do." Fear and relief were mixing up inside her as she spoke.

"Okay Catherine, have it your way." The police captain got up to leave, "I hope you know what you're doing."

A statement she didn't need to hear.

"Oh and I always thought I could trust you. I want to trust you. I mean you are twice the supervisor Grissom ever was and I'd lay down my life for him. You, I'm not so sure anymore."

And with that, Jim Brass was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Catherine sat in the conference room with only a table that separated her from the others. People, nameless, faceless people there to ask,_ just a few questions._ But it felt more like an interrogation room.

"CSI Willows," a disembodied voice began, "On April 1st of this year you and Detective Vartann were on a case in the Diamond Dust hotel. Is that correct?"

"Yes," she quickly answered.

"Tell me about it," the voice stated.

"I believe you have all read the report." Catherine made another quick reply.

"I and well, we want to know what happened. Because it has come to our attention that more happened in that hotel room than is in the report."

"I don't understand, what does this have to do with me? Why all of a sudden are you asking about that case? It was over a month ago, and from what I understand, it has already gone to trial. What exactly are you gentlemen getting at?"

"What we are getting at is the _exact _nature of your relationship."

"Nature of our relationship?" She asked defensively.

"Okay, answer me this, is it true there was, how shall I say, sexual contact between you two?"

"Sexual...cont…" Catherine couldn't stammer out the words. The line of questioning was way too ridiculous for her to be even answering.

"I believe you heard me." The voice, the unidentified voice filled the room. Surrounding Catherine with its relentless questions.

Questions that were either none of their business or were a waist of time since a real killer was out there still after the newest member of her team.

She knew there was no escaping the questions. So it was just as easy to answer them and to move on.

Catherine took in a deep breath, "He kissed me. Is that was you are referring to?"

"Go on," the voice stated.

"We were on a stake out. The suspect and a young woman arrived on the floor the same time I did. I knocked on the door just as the suspect walked by. Detective Vartann, opened the door, thinking very quickly on his feet, so to speak, kissed me as to not blow our cover."

"There, is that what you want to hear?" She couldn't hide the annoyance any longer.

"We believe there is more."

That's what happened. And I suggest if you want more, you talk to him."

"Don't worry Ms. Willows, we will."

"Let me ask you this." A different voice filled the room. "Are you two dating?"

"Dating?" _Another absurd question, _she thought.

"I'm sorry. I don't understand what you are asking. And what does any of this have to do with me and the Dr. Jekyll case?"

"We also understand that you voiced some concern after learning about his transfer. We would like to take the time to address that concern. And possibly learn your motives for authorizing the transfer of serial killer out of prison to aid in your investigation. That's why we called you here today."

She wasn't sure if she should feel better or worse.

Catherine swallowed hard. _Boy, news travels fast._ Despite the sick feeling she got every time she thought about the decision she made, she knew she had to stand by it. What kind of supervisor would she be if she didn't? Plus, as she told Brass, she really didn't have any other choice. She also knew she was going to pay for her decision one way or another.

"Dating?" She asked hesitantly.

Yet another nameless voice asked, "Are you two intimate?"

She shrugged her shoulders, gave out a sigh and clicked her tongue.

"I see where this is going and I'm not sure you have any right to ask it." The Supervisor side of her came out. She was not going to let them on to anything they didn't need to know.

"Supervisor Willows, we are just addressing your concern over his transfer. It seemed that if you really didn't care about the detective like that, it wouldn't bother you that he no longer reports to Captain Brass. One would also assume that since you didn't deny, in so many words, that you are 'dating', why wouldn't you be concerned about him being transferred?"

Her stomach churned again, the sick feeling came to her as she tried to swallow it down. She took in a few breaths trying to gather her thoughts.

As much as she didn't want to, she had to tell the truth or at least what they wanted to hear. It was easier than not saying anything. That way she could at least clear the air. Get on with the inevitable showdown with Nate Haskell.

"I'll ask again Supervisor Willows, are you and Detective Vartann intimate?"

"Yes." Details weren't important. They got what they came for.

Then the questions stopped. What started; the whispers, the looks in her direction then more whispers.

Things she knew they were saying. The room full of men. Men who thought they could rattle her and make her weak or show some sort of vulnerability, especially when it came to Lou.

She kept up her Teflon exterior as they continued to look in her direction and look back at each other. She wasn't going to let them do that. Not today, and hopefully not ever.

Time passed slowly as she watched them, these men. Who were supposedly deciding her future as a CSI Supervisor.

"Ms Willows." The silence was broken. "That is all we need from you. We thank you for your time."

"So, we are done here?" She asked very hesitantly not really knowing what was accomplished.

"Yes, we are done," a voice replied.

"Oh," another voice added, "just to inform you, starting next week, Detective Louis Vartann will report to Captain Baker at Metro North at the patrol desk."

She stood up and exited the room as quietly and concerned as when she went in.

Catherine stopped on the other side of the door. She dotted her tongue on her top lip. She tried to make sense of what just happened. She knew what happened…….

_Not only did he get transferred, he got demoted._

"I'm sorry Lou," she closed her eyes and muttered quietly.

As she slowly walked away from the room where the men were deciding her future, she knew she had already paid for her decision and Nate Haskell had yet to come to town.


	3. Chapter 3

Telling Brass

_Capt. Brass: Since when did bringing a high risk psychopath into my department. You didn't even bother to call me? Were you two going to fly this right over my head?_

_Catherine: Haskell reached out from prison. Said he has something to offer on the Jekyll case._

_Ray: The man called me._

_Capt. Brass: And hung up on you. Why didn't you just call him back? You didn't have to send a limo for him like Paul 'freakin' McCartney. The last time we gave this guy a stage, somebody got killed._

_Catherine: This was my decision Jim. I called the Governor. And the Governor cleared it through the Sheriff. _

_Capt. Brass: Both friends of Daddy. You know, it's amazing. Sam Braun has more clout dead than most of do alive._

Catherine looked up in disgust. She couldn't believe that her friend Jim Brass, someone she has known for many years would say such hurtful things.

Her father, Sam Braun, was no saint, but throwing his dead memory out between them was more than upsetting, it was almost disrespectful. Catherine let it pass and continued her conversation…

_Catherine: My team is working a serial killer case. We've got zippo leads and the bodies are piling up._

_Capt. Brass: What do you think I'm doing? Writing parking tickets? Hey, last time I checked, CSI worked for me._

_Ray: What have you been doing lately on the case Jim? Did you develop any better leads?_

_Capt. Brass: Are you saying I'm not doing my job?_

_Catherine: We're all doing our job. If Nate Haskell knows anything we should hear what he has to say. And if he starts screwing with us, we just ship him back to Ely. Weld his cage shut._

The three stared out Brass's office window watching Nate Haskell enter the building. He was surrounded by bodyguards. His demeanor was smug and arrogant. Catherine couldn't wait to step away from this situation but she and Brass knew Ray couldn't confront Haskell alone.

_Catherine: He's all yours Ray. _

_Capt. Brass: Wait, What? _

_Catherine: Ray is the one he wants to talk to. They have the connection._

_Capt. Brass: Hold on. Nobody's going in there without me._

_Just_ the words she wanted to hear. She stepped out of Jim's office and into the hall. The two way mirror seemed like just the place to supervise but not be involved. She was involved already. Although she would rather not be, she still needed to stand by her decision. Especially now, now that Brass got on her about contacting the Governor.

After listening to Ray and Haskell go back and forth about who Dr. Jekyll was and how he came to be, she had to take a break.

Get people working on leads, get something moving toward finding this guy, this guy who not only killed his victims, but he maliciously tortured them first.

When she couldn't take it anymore, when she couldn't stand listening to that creep, that criminal who she brought in, who she hoped would lead them somewhere. When she couldn't take anymore of his flippant remarks, she made her way to the break room.

She spied Nicky. He was sitting at the computer looking up evidence. The coffee station looked inviting, but coffee wouldn't cut it. Catherine had too much of it already after getting up quite early to get prepared for whatever happened. Tea. Tea was a better solution. Something to soothe her nerves some.

She couldn't help but look at him. His tall stature, his strong build, and the suit he was wearing. Did he wear it for her? Catherine didn't want to know, she just loved the sight of him in it. She blinked and took in her own attire; jeans and her leather jacket.

His voice filled the room.

_A monster like Haskell kills 19 people. You see him up close and in person; he looks just like everybody else._

Nicky agreed, "Umm hmm."

_You have a lot of guts bringing him down here._

_But that's what I like about you. _He practically whispered to her.

But it happened to be that Nicky was within ear shot of the two of them.

_Now I know why you got up so early this morning. _She couldn't smile, no not yet. She couldn't face the fact knowing that he was on his way somewhere else. Somewhere she sent him.

Instead she pulled out her most seductive voice to go along with her most seductive face.

She didn't think about the fact that Nicky was in the room. Catherine wanted to relive, even if it was just for a brief moment, the morning they spent together. She knew, in the back of her mind, that it wasn't going to be their last morning together, but she wanted to savor the memory just a bit longer. To have something to hold on to, to treasure in the back of her mind as the day progressed.

Getting out of bed would mean facing the impending day. It had already started out bad with her argument with Jim.

When she saw him, her handsome lover, all she wanted to do was to crawl back in bed with him and pretend nothing every happened. Not relive the choices she made. And not the fact that Ray lied to her, not the fact that she pulled a lot of pretty heavy strings to bring Haskell to Las Vegas, and not the fact that she and Brass knew it wasn't going to end well. Catherine didn't want to think of any of it. Just to close her eyes and be back in bed…

_I wish I'd stayed in bed. _Catherine offered to Lou right in front of Nicky. She didn't care. She wanted him to know that she cherished their moments together that morning as much as he did.

Lou's reply made her smile. _Oh, me too._

Not only did she smile as she watched him walk past her, she noticed a smile on his face.

A sense of relief filled her. As much as she hated to see him walk out, she knew by the smile on his face that he had _possibly_ come to terms with her decision about going over Brass's head.

She didn't feel that good about it, but knowing that he liked her guts and the way she handled things made her feel that much more reassured.

Her stomach still ached. Things were still not settled. The fact that she went above Brass and he called her on it was still fresh, and still not sitting well with her.

What did she really do? Did she bring one serial killer to find another? Or did she jinx herself and everyone around her? As much as Brass didn't trust her decision, did _sh_e trust her _own_?

A thought she didn't have time to ponder on while she rallied Sara, Nicky, Greg and Ray all to gather as much information about Dr. Jekyll as Nate Haskell would provide.

A spark of salvation came. It eased Catherine's mind after a lead Haskell finally divulged actually led the team to a restaurant, a run down restaurant, but it was a step in the right direction. It had been closed for almost 5 years Greg pointed out.

It wasn't the fact that _almost _everything Haskell said about Dr. Jekyll victims was true; it was the fact that Catherine witnessed it herself.

Ray's declaration that Haskell was telling the truth took some of the pressure off of her. Perhaps her gamble was paying off? Going over Brass's head was worth the risk, even if it meant that Lou was loosing his job, she and her team were finding a serial killer.

_I'd like to be the one to tell Brass, _was her statement. Not like she would ever throw that in his face like he did with Sam Braun, but hopefully it would start to amend their strained bond.

Telling Brass should be the pinnacle of her decision, the piece that proves that she did the right thing regardless of what he thought. But somehow it felt sort of empty. There was more to come and she knew it. Things usually weren't this easy when it came to diabolical killers like Haskell.

This was just one step in earning back Jim's trust.

Catherine found a quiet place and clutched her phone to her chest. It wasn't quite her salvation, but it was close enough.

Although she had just seen him not too long ago, she longed to hear his voice.

Catherine nervously dialed his number hoping he would answer…

"Hi," she stumbled upon hearing his smooth voice on the other end.

"What do I have the pleasure?" He asked. She thought she could hear him smile through the phone.

"I, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to say it again." Her words jumbled together.

"Why are you apologizing? This isn't your doing, well not really," he quickly responded.

"I'm not so sure about that. I mean if you weren't with me…"

"Stop that. Stop talking like that." His voice bordering on angry. "I said I like your guts Catherine and I mean it. You took a pretty risky move bringing Haskell back to Vegas but from what I hear, it seems to be paying off," he paused.

"Well I'm sure it had nothing to do with that cute blonde Officer Mitchell paraded in front of us." He waited for her reply.

Catherine made a small laugh. "You noticed her did you?"

"Who wouldn't?"

"I guess I'm trying to say is that I don't want to loose you. I know I put you in the middle of this mess and I hope you can forgive me." Catherine got out letting out a sigh of contentment.

"I don't want to loose you either." The words she wanted to hear at the moment.

"It's just so much has happened; I'm really to blame if anything goes wrong."

"Catherine," he cut her off. "You are not to blame if a serial killer like Haskell has information on the guy your team is trying to track down. Hell I would have done the same thing… had I not been behind a desk."

Her heart stopped. She could feel the tears welling. Now was not the time to break down. She had to be strong and stand by what she did to him or for him. She wasn't sure at that point.

"Listen babe," Lou started after a short break in the conversation.

"Did you just call me babe?" Catherine inquired with a sudden smile.

"Yea, yea I did. I told you I care about you more than you probably realize, and without sounding like _too much _of a Hallmark card, I want to be with you."

"And I also want you to know, that I'm really not thinking and I really _don't want to think _that you jeopardized _my_ job for the sake of yours. It's not like I don't go to work now and sit behind a desk and do what my new Captain tells me to. Not knowing that I am not only sleeping with the CSI Grave Shift Supervisor, I've fallen in love with her as well."

Catherine couldn't speak. She was choking. The only words that came were, "Oh God Lou." The rest wouldn't come.

"Listen Catherine, I have to get back to work." His smooth calm voice now very hurried.

"Yea, me too," she conceded promptly pulling herself together. "I'll talk to you later?"

"Yea, I'd like that." She thought she heard him smile again. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Catherine closed her phone.

**Now** was the time to break down. And that she did.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N : **This is the final chapter. Sorry for the delay, RL you know. I really wracked my brain as to how to finish this based on the finale. Thank you for all the kind reviews. Major spoilers for the finale; Meat Jekyll.

The Final Chapter

Catherine couldn't stand it any longer. She had to let the tears out. Her body shook as hard as she tried to suppress the tears that came in streams.

"_How could he say that_?" her mind rattled. He said he wanted to trust her. But there is a big difference between telling someone you trust them and telling someone you love them.

Either she wanted to hit him the next time she saw him or have him swallow her up in his arms and never let her go.

She wanted to feel better about him not being around. She wanted to feel better about him being somewhere else. But she couldn't.

She didn't want him to see her as played a big hand in getting Haskell to Ray. She didn't want him to see her deal with Brass like she did and how even Brass said he didn't trust her. She didn't want Lou to see any of it.

So why did it feel so bad when he wasn't there?

How could he leave her so conflicted?

Catherine allowed herself one more sob. One more chance to feel sorry for herself and the choices she made before she had to face them head on. It was hard enough hearing Lou's voice and how almost distant he sounded, although he was only two miles from where she was. Now she had to face what was going to happen between Ray and Haskell.

After pulling herself together, she got a notice to meet Nicky, Ray and Doc in the autopsy room. Something about a package delivered to Ray and him not really trusting what was in it. A feeling she was beginning to learn all too well.

Leaning about the cured pork made her stomach hurt even more. What kind of monster makes Human Jerky? Luckily that's not what it was, but it was still the idea that someone took the time to send Ray something like that. A very sick person Jekyll l was turning out to be.

Catherine couldn't let herself think about all the sacrifices that were made, all the promises, and how she went behind Brass's back to make them happen. She couldn't think about it because it was all playing out in front of her.

All the clues, all the leads from the prosciutto with the strange symbols to the surgical device that could be implanted in someone was what she thrived on, what was keeping her sane. Kept her from not thinking about what she had done to what was going to happen if they didn't find the person who was doing this to people.

As much as she wanted to prove Brass right, the unsettling feelings wouldn't go away. Someone else besides Catherine was going to pay.

The CSI in her, the investigator in her couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't going to be that easy when one of the final clues led them to DiMasa's Restaurant.

The idea that Dr. Jekyll was someone who works in a restaurant made her want to vomit.

What happened next played out like a surreal movie. The updates on the radio scanner.

SHOTS FIRED DiMASA'S RESTAURANT

CSI STOKES

CSI LANGSTON

CIVILIANS

OFFICER DOWN

CASUALITIES

Words that echoed in her ear not letting her escape.

Catherine wanted to break down again. Wanted to be swallowed up. Just walk away and pretend like it wasn't happening.

She couldn't escape. Striding along the halls with her fingers placed on her temples like a woman on a mission, her trance like state was interrupted by David Hodges.

"Wow, sounds like it's really going down at that place."Hodges voice filled the emptiness in the lab.

"Huh," she quickly replied not really listening to what he was saying.

"The, the restaurant. Shots fired. Nick and Ray are in over their heads it sounds like," the Lab Tech started again thinking Catherine didn't know what was happening.

But she knew. She knew all too well what was happening, she set it into play.

"Don't think you think I don't know that?" Catherine snapped at the well meaning tech. She couldn't hold in her frustration at what was unfolding.

Her eyes remained narrowed glaring at the poor person who happened to get in her way.

David remained frozen in his spot like her words made him solidify.

"I, I'm going to find out if there is any other word." David left the cold space between him and Catherine.

"Yea, you do that." Her words just as cold.

She knew he was just looking out for the other members of the team. But she couldn't take the fact that someone said it out loud.

First Lou then Nicky. Who else was going to pay for her decision?

_Nicky, if I could trade places with you, I would. _She willed him to hear her.

This time it was her shaky hand that found its way to her aching forehead.

Her office was the place of refuge. Hopefully no one else would get in her way.

She couldn't listen any longer to the radio. As much as she wanted to hear the gory details bit by bit she knew it would eventually drive her crazy.

Unfortunately there was nothing else to do but wait. Wait it out. A painful process.

Why was it becoming so hard? It wasn't supposed to be this hard. Haskell was supposed to lead the team to Jekyll. Not have people, her people injured in the process, all at her doing.

It was probably a good thing that her stomach ache and her headache kept her from focusing on anything other than relief.

Finally news came, words, precious words. Words that she longed to hear but still didn't quite believe.

JEKYLL DOWN

CSI STOKES

AID IN ROUTE

The words filled her office amongst the empty lab. Everyone was either hovered around a police radio or camped out at P.D. itself.

Brass was nowhere to be found. Not like she wanted to see him at the moment. She wouldn't be able to face him.

More relief came when she learned Nicky was okay. He was in the hospital with a sore shoulder. A small price to pay for taking down Dr. Jekyll. Who turned out to be someone no one expected.

He was a mystery alright. Diabolical on one hand in the manner he tortured his victims, all friends of his father. A similar trait to the one Captain Brass threw at Catherine. How having friends in high places can either be a blessing or a curse.

On the other hand, Jekyll was just a lost little boy. Someone who never connected with his father the way he wanted.

Charlie DiMassa's dream was to go to medical school and become a doctor. His dreams were dashed when the death of his mother forced him to work in the family restaurant.

His father wanted him by his side. So Charlie took out his apprehension and disappointment out on those around him, those whom his father treasured over his son. Another thought that Catherine could sort of see; the pitfalls _of not_ following in the family business.

_Nicky: I better get out of here before there's another crime scene to investigate. _

_Catherine: You scared the hell out of us Nicky._

_Nicky: I'll be alright._

_Ray: Pappa DiMassa made it through surgery. _

_Greg: So, the Jekyll case is… closed? _

_Nicky: On to the next one._

_Catherine: Unfortunately, there is always a next one. See you soon._

With that, Catherine took her leave out of Nicky's room. She was so, so very grateful that all he wound up with was a sore shoulder. And Ray, Ray didn't have a scratch on him.

She had to smile at the play between Nicky and Sara. It filled her heart with gladness to hear the team, her team connected much like they used to.

_Sara: I'll be back to give you a lift home_.

_Nicky: No way, you are a terrible driver. _

A small chuckle came out of Catherine's mouth when she heard that. It made her feel proud.

Catherine took out her phone. She had to face him; she had to make amends with Brass. Hopefully he would want the same thing.

"You know there is going to be an IAB investigation." His words came across the line.

"I know," her shaky voice replied. She wasn't sure how to proceed.

"You know, I have been on the other side of the table. It's sort of well how should I say, humiliating. They question everything you know." His voice sounded truly sincere.

"I know," she replied again.

"I want you to know, I will support you Catherine. "

She didn't know what to say.

"Look, I was supposed to meet Ray for a drink. He said he had something to take care of first."

More silence on the line.

"I'd be happy if you came with us. My way of, saying…." The Police Captain told Catherine.

"I know what you mean. You know," Catherine started, "times like these I sort of miss Grissom. I've been thinking about him ever since this whole thing began. When you told me I was twice the supervisor he was. I just don't think he'd go over your head like I did." The supervisor side of her came out again.

"Look Cath, I said I would lay down my life for him and I would have. But you, you have something he didn't have. You have guts. But it's not just guts it's more. Something I can't quite put my finger on, but it's what makes you a good supervisor. "

"Jim, I'm…" Catherine cut him off.

"I'm not done," he started. "Listen, if you ever and I mean ever go over my head like that again, no matter who they are, you'll be finding yourself, let's just say, somewhere other than Vegas."

The warmth in his voice made her ask, "Is that a threat?"

"It's not a threat; it's more like a strong warning."

"So, are we? "Catherine started to ask her friend.

"Yea, we are okay." She could hear him smile on the line.

The next two weeks dragged on. Catherine repeatedly came home to her house, her empty house. Lindsey was gone to college. She got accepted on early admission and started taking classes already. As proud as she was of her daughter, she missed her terribly. I was very hard to come home to an empty house.

It wasn't just Lindsey she missed. It was Lou. They hadn't had much contact over the past two weeks. Every time she thought about him at Metro North, she wanted to cry. Not just cry, but undo the last month to take back everything she could.

Luckily Ray's injuries were not severe enough to require much more than some superficial stitches to his back side. She couldn't imagine what else Haskell could have done to Ray. More nausea came ever time Haskell's name was mentioned. IAB she could handle, loosing Ray, no matter how much she disagreed with his decisions, was something she couldn't.

It was time to pick up the pieces and start to make things right….

Driving to his house her mind wasn't focused on anything. She watched the houses go by, the spring colors around. The beauty of the flowers set against the dry almost bland landscape of the desert.

"Hi," she smiled when he opened the door.

He didn't say a thing, just ushered her inside his private space.

Somewhere he's spent a lot of time in. It had changed since the last time she was there. It wasn't light and airy, it seemed dark and dreary. Probably a reflection of his current state.

He stood watching her. Without a word she put her purse on the hall closet door handle, just like before. She slipped off her shoes, also in the same manner she always had before.

She walked over to him locking her eyes on his. His body language gave him away. He wasn't upset but he wasn't smiling either.

"I… I wanted to say…" She was cut off by his finger on her lips.

"SHHHH," he winced. "Don't."

It wasn't hurt she was feeling, but more like fear and uneasiness. How could she make it up to him? How could he forgive her?

Catherine conceded. She knew words were not right at the moment. She instead walked over to the couch and sat. A sigh escaped her as her body plopped down.

He sat next to her. Neither one of them wanted to look at the other. She could feel the warmth of his body next to hers. She missed him. She wanted to reach out and touch him, tell him everything was her fault and that he should run from her. That she wasn't worth loving.

She took in her surrounding in place of trying to explain herself.

The curtains remained closed. The light and airy kitchen where they were the last time they were together seemed gloomy as well.

Her head turned toward him.

"You know, this place could use a few female touches." Her voice filled the space between them.

A smile came to his face. "What did you have in mind?"

"There is going to be an IAB investigation." She cursed herself on trying to find the right words.

"I know." His voice flat again matching his now stiff demeanor. "They talked to me already, about you."

Now she _really _wanted to get swallowed up.

"What did you say to them?" A question she didn't want to ask or more likely know the answer to. An attribute that has arisen in their relationship as of late.

"No use lying, everyone already knows about us."

"I didn't say anything you wouldn't have if that's what you are asking." He turned to her looking her in the eye.

A feeling she didn't like. The way he was looking at her. She thought she could handle remaining stern and unfazed by his comment. She was wrong…

Catherine made herself ask, "So, what about us?" Another question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to.

His look remained on her as she watched him compose his thoughts.

"I meant what I said about falling in love with you. I hope you know that."

Another moment where Catherine Willows didn't know what to say.

"I thought about everything; about you, about me, about Brass, your team, my job, everything. I thought about everything you did for our team. And that _not being with you_, well that's …"He paused and took in a long breath.

"I don't want to be a toy Catherine. I want to be your equal and someone that you trust, not someone who is a means to an end, if you know what I mean."

His words didn't have the hurt she thought they would. He was being way to generous in his criticism of her.

"I want us to be together for the right reasons, not to enhance your job. I want to trust you."

The words she somehow knew he was going to say.

"I wanted to tell you, I really did. I wasn't sure how you were going to react. Brass is your boss and…"

She didn't want to break down, not again. Somehow Lou brought it out in her. Forcing her to be honest with herself. Something she loved and hated about being with him.

"Stokes and Langston paid the price," he quipped.

Her eyes narrowed. Of all the people he was the _last person_ she thought would throw that fact back in her face.

"Don't you think I don't know that? I struggled with it for a long time now. "Her voice near yelling.

The detective narrowed his eyes to match hers. "I just wanted you to know what was at stake."

Anger now filled her. "I KNOW! I KNOW WHAT WAS AT STAKE!" Catherine shouted inside his tiny place.

She wanted to yell at him, yell to the world how sorry she was.

"Everything about that case, everything seemed wrong. Everything from Ray's lie to actually reaching out to get Haskell back in Vegas."

"You know there is always going to be cases like that," Lou offered matter-of-factly.

It didn't make her feel any better.

"I know," Catherine presented in return.

Instead of kicking her out, Lou reached his arms over to her stiff body and pulled her closer to him.

She immediately collapsed into his arms. She hid her face behind her hands as the tears flowed.

Lou wrapped his arms around the redheaded woman and listened to her sobs.

"Just don't send me away next time."

"You know, I hate this about you," Catherine started after wiping away her tears. "About making me be honest with myself."

"Catherine, if we are not honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with each other?"

A smile came to his face, "And this is what I love about you." He helped her wipe away the remaining tears that she shed.

Her hand touched his face. His eyes closed while her hand drew along his chiseled face. His breath grew short and quick.

"You are the most amazing, caring, infuriating man I have ever met. " Catherine's voice smooth, low and almost sultry.

"I try," he said touching her hand with his.

Without any more words, they found their way to the bedroom.

"I love you too. I have for a long time." Her words came between quick breaths as he touched her.

An hour later, her naked body rolled on top of his. Her lips found his connecting in a small kiss.

Her hand reached behind his head searching in between the headboard and the nightstand.

"What are you doing?" He playfully asked.

Catherine didn't reply as she found what she was looking for, a pair of handcuffs she got as a joke several months ago.

He heard the metal clang against the metal of his bed frame.

"So," he widened his eyes, "what do you have there?"

Again, nothing from Catherine as she slid her hand along one of his strong arms.

A perfect smile came to her face when she intertwined his hand with hers.

Lou smiled an all too knowing smile at what she was doing. "You know Catherine, I want to trust you."


End file.
